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i want to moan and writhe with you.
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
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2005.10.14 11.20
measure up.
Top Commenters on ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) br0kenpixie's LiveJournal
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Mood:  lovebuckets!
Music: brand new :: mix tape
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2005.09.05 02.40
how sweet it is.
i'd say the most universal smell is sex, the most detectable smell is your own sex, & the most favorable is the smell of your own amazing sex. niiice.
Mood: foxy mcgrinface
Music: laughing
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2005.08.27 17.00
& so begins the deconstruction of the norm.
late august, bleh. summer's slowing & the lives and people we've known are ripped away by academic intervention. it's like being left in the bath tub as it drains, and wishing something will clog the flow so you can be warm and safe again, wading in the heat.
i'm not looking forward to senior year as one should. learning this entirely new system & building is futile, i don't have the fucking effort. i shouldn't have complained about split periods & no windows because everything we thought sucked before has been inverted to worse.
sched.!
red team, HR 307.
1. Study Hall...................CAF
2. TeamCIA.........110......Cochran
3. BscTrigAlgIII...245........Walsh
4/5. Psychology....224......Gelman!
6. Lunch......yeah, bitch.......CAF
7/8. Study Hall.................AUD
9. Spanish V.......226......Droluk!
10. Eng 12 Prep....251...Palushock-
soyeah, i'm about to have my 27th sleepover of the summer after some much needed cheese fries. new layout, while we're on the subject. (??)
we saw the brothers grimm yesterday, which was pretty rocket.
my stepdad nearly ran over a bunch of folk festers today. god i wanna go.
probably getting the locks cut later. i want a shocking sorta color but it'll most likely fade back to this brassy bleh again.
i'm out like members only jackets, killa.
Mood: simple little foxette
Music: glass vase cello case.
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2005.08.17 02.42
impulse demolition inc.
what the fuck have i become.
suddenly i feel like time has plagued my innocent heart & my memory is overloaded with broad experiences that my old self would have loathed. if last year's melissa met up with this year's meliss, she'd punch her in the cunt for converting her bright, naive childlike qualities into cynical psuedo philosophical trash. no variable of indie music will fix this.
perhaps this is the way it always should have been. our everday choices affect our long term fate, right? i shouldn't take credit for turning into a(n) dreamer, lover, painter, joker, reader (christ), athiest, loner, coward, c student. the world makes us this way; the way we deal, our upbringing, environment, treatment, events.
i'm pretty happy after all, twisted & cared for. i've got a majorly groovy piece of the puzzle solved already: my agenda for the next two years is set. there is something soothing in knowing half the battle is fought and all is left is the long awaited pull-through to victory, or something.
it's more like a car ride, with a lot of struggle finding the keys on you then clearing the car out to slip into, getting it to start & reverse & onto the main road. that's where i am now. i see myself on this long straight stretch of road behind the wheel of a beat-up sorta car, waiting to accelerate to my visible goals. this is gettin' really chicken soup for the grandmother's soul calendar quote-y now. egh.
for example, i'm looking forward to starting & finishing my grad project this week, finishing the rules of attraction and fear and loathing in las vegas, buying the virgin suicides book thursday when my trappe order comes in, buying my mother's birthday present at a novel little farmer's market we discovered, taking as many camera phone pictures as possible, visiting the driftaway as often as possible this august & such.
right now, i should probably try resting while the guys play halo 2 behind me. fat chance. pow, pow, kaboom, kersplosion, pow, boom, pow aren't easily worked into the sleep order.
kiss your cousins, kids. your three-armed children will thank you later!
Mood:  smilies & pink diamonds.
Music: frou frou :: old piano
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2005.08.05 00.29
no such thing as normal people.
so we sit here acting civil, cadence torn from your oily speech.
"my body hurt thinking you weren't gonna come."
i pick at a dry paint drip on the wall, shift a little on the stacked books beneath me.
your eyes fall to my shoes. i'm not here because it feels right, i'm thinking.
"i wasn't gonna come," i dare say.
the pause was thicker this time, almost cinematic. i left the coffee pot on.
i'm here because it is right. socially, at least.
"well, i'm glad you did." smirking again.
you hate caffeine, spat out my $6 cappucino on the street last october.
this room's bare, chilly, unlived in. is unlived a word?
i watch the raindrops slide patiently down the window pane. fuck.
"i could've killed you, you know. six dollars," i think aloud.
my coat is damp and cold and you haven't shaved in 3 or 4 days.
"what? ann, you're shivering." i miss the purple flower picture suddenly.
i really hate your face all scruffy like that.
the fifth was starting to kick in now so the thoughts were shuffling around into sentences,
"we bought it at a yard sale. where is the flower embroidered thing?"
i pointed to a whiter square on the wall where it once hung. where was the furniture?
and why don't you pay the heat bill, lee. my fingers are numb.
"what, for six bucks?" scratching your chin, "are you okay?"
the rain just got harder. i tip over the book stack onto the hardwood.
not sure whether to kiss you or kill you. this light is flattering.
"yeah. do you mind if i spend the night?" that came out slutty.
your face is unsure, but you're leaning in. your watch is as loud as i remembered it.
oh my god. don would kill me & lee is thisclose & i hate him suddenly.
the clock screams 2:19 AM. my eyes are open, his kiss is weak.
i take off my coat after. my husband is probably still awake. ouch.
why the fuck am i here? is unlived a word? he smells good and i hate him, i'm thinking.
soft blue sheets. he has a bed but no couch? fuck.
Mood:  cold
Music: french song fading out
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2005.07.13 23.30
nice & slow
i like this seventeen-ness.
today was the kind you make mind montages of.
the people : me, marie, mike, scott, alexa, tori, beef (briefly)
the places : marie's g-mom's, my house, wendy's, blockbuster, my house again, marie's aunt's house, home.
the events : swimming, beach volleyball, eating, laughing, talking, calling, driving, singing, playing, drinking.
mentionables : repeatedly hitting the ball out, losing twice, eating a spoonful of salt and pepper (mm!), "frosties are pussies", playing sex and the city, scott getting sex sharade cards, sporting mom's bathing suit, our summer revisited, etc.
i feel accomplished.. though i still need to do laundry/ start my grad project/ read 1984/ buy a bathing suit top/ play bookworm/ never eat/ be eighteen/ wear more white/ see my love/ slap my mother/ make plans for tomorrow/ stay classy.
Mood: i spin!
Music: my hump,my hump,my lovely lady lumps
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2005.07.05 23.47
being this 70's is so cliche
xbr0kenpixiex: i'm really glad we're not one of those couples that have to worry about those shallow sex issues
xbr0kenpixiex: you know how we miss each other because we're emotionally deprived? yeah, like that.
T********: when in doubt...hide in the freezer when i walk about!
social agenda:
-make girlfriend jealous
-use her (fake!)close friend
-make her close friend's best friend cry
-make 50 muffins and 7 birthday cakes
-ignore best friend
-bum rides & get some =P
don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? doncha. doncha, baby! doncha.
god, the world makes me feel so gorgeous<3
i heart me omfglolirulefuckyeswoohoohotdamnsogroovyithurts.
Mood:  swedish fish
Music: b52's :: rock lobster
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2005.01.07 08.03
have i left my home just to whine on this microphone.
if you're reading this, call me after 2:30 mikeo!
no more mice. she scores!
yeah, i made a really important decision today.
& i'm gonna be happy for a long time & stufff
i'm sitting here in la biblioteca with ian and he told me to type "penis." *shakes head* freshmen.
i have a vocab quiz next period.. defiance=fun
'wearing too many layers right now.
my computer is doing trippy things.. ian rocks my mac!
xox
Mood: calm
Music: the beatles :: hey you
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2005.01.03 16.42
Mouse Trap! by Tom Cat
i hate how all my entries are so fucking somber lately.. but i can't climb out of this core. i'm such a head case.
i've come to realizations about the things i do, the games played.. how i seem to create problems to prove i can overcome shit.
all the thrill is in the chase, & when i finally catch the mouse, it's not appetizing to me anymore; there's another mouse worth chasing. taller, smarter, sweeter.
bad metaphor, but say you understand.. i don't want my own mouse anymore. i want to toy around hungrily until he takes me on, plays back for a change.
welll i've been toyed back with recently, & it took a bite out of me.
life is just a series of obstacles, no matter how you play it. but when you make the obstacles into a game, and screw with emotions so you can feel a-fucking-live? you end up with an empty bed and a broken heart.
& i know what we feel is a series of chemical reactions, mirages of happiness set off by romantic comedies starring hugh grant, about as legitimate as organized religion.. but why do we all want that whole feeling? that missing piece? that imaginary impractical leash?
i'm young. i should be allowed to fool around.. i do
i still don't know what i want! i will always be indecisive =)
as for now, forget these mice: i'm moving on to men.
edit: ( c-c-c-cinnamon lips )
Mood: smile
Music: yeah yeah yeahs :: cold light
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2005.01.01 13.30
take it away, i never had it anyway
my agenda for today is to listen to this song until i can't stand it anymore, can't feel it anymore
& get coffee with andy k..
& to do some laundry.
as for resolutions? i resolve to stop trusting so easily. :\
Mood: crazy
Music: red hot chili peppers :: dosed
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2004.12.30 18.00
how about a toast.
I wanted to make this post tonight instead of tomorrow night, while sober (instead of straining to type, getting dizzy, and giving up).
This year has been blindingly pivotal. 2004, for me, will always be known as The Year of the Boy. Ten boys, to be exact.
I'm absolutely exhausted :P
There were so many firsts for me, for everyone: first estrangement, first heartbreak(s), first illegal drug use, first job, first car, first year of life, etc. But even though most of the firsts were unpleasant, the outcomes were always positive. A first heartbreak, for example, can teach you a lot about yourself, your faults, and what you have to grow on.
I feel a lot more whole, like i know my own mind (even if my heart is a work in progress). Around this time last year, there was this huge identity crisis in my life. Livejournal proving, there were a lot of "Who the fuck am I?" posts. Awe, angst (!!!)
Through the people I've met, and those I've let go of, I pretty much established my personality this year. Okay, so I've gathered myself into a pretty rocket kid thus far, but now what?
In 2005, I expect to figure out just where my life is headed. Figuring yourself out is step one, figuring out where you fit in the big picture- aye, I have my work cut out for me.
This post is more for me than the readers but I still wanted to thank everyone who's played even the smallest role in my life this year. I wouldn't have changed one thing about 2004 if I could, and I don't think 2004 would've changed for me if I gave it another go.
Happy New Year, errybody. </3
Mood: contemplative
Music: what're you doing new year's, new year's eve?
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2004.12.25 20.39
the angels got together.
you weren't under my tree this year. i looked. therefore, wretched christmas.
i got so much jewelry & things to tell time on & perfumes & fucking gift cards that it's brutally insulting and pales in comparison to the way you illuminate every fiber of my being. (except it's torching me from the inside out, eep!)
today consisted of being lectured about my lifestyle (work, school, and play? you can't have it all), escaping to my room to "think" & blast the shins, & jaggermeister/southern comfort aka feel-good juice.
i texted you today & sobbed tears into my cell keys.
tell me new year's will be better (!!!)
Mood: stopthisfeeling
Music: but here i am honey, c'mon and cry to me.
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2004.12.24 18.57
climb inside us, twist & cry.. a kiss on your molten eyes.
no lj cut for youuu.
often times we involve in then misplace the hours:
feelings faint from the shadows in my verse instead of being forced into fitting sentences, so weak to routine.
hey, i loathe you.
you can fingerprint these bricks that held him from the cold,
bruise green paint into the urban windshield kaleidoscope
but i am not another empty shell,
another slow dial tone, another drop-jawed sinner.
how lovely are your branches...
you can carve me into your calendar, your skin,
assign fate a number but there are two winters per year,
two blood-beating organs crowding my caverns
(and i don't mean yours and mine)
two eyes to twitch, blink.
all is calm, all is bright
your can dig your head, your tool into evenings long past,
roll & revel in the grave none regret but all mourn,
dig your fists into lover's claw as if passion another of your collections
but i will pull the curtain and reveal the un-man,
pull my pen through the pages and my heart throught the sepulchral mud,
pull my soul over the rain waves.
-if i had a nickel for every hand i've held, i'd buy you a ring-
I plead St. Nick for something warm and red, fiery
yet he brought it in the wrong packing box.
Mood:  festive
Music: the shins :: so says i
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2004.12.21 19.43
pale and mild, a modern girl
this weekend was sweet. we went to the shells' christmas jam in pottstown, where i endowed mike & ben with cars & girls, and carrie offered a light to homeless davon. chubXcore took ben to BK where we made salt art & then on a nice ride home.
school has been unbearable, though we're watching movies in almost every class. health videos are always guaranteed to make me laugh or cry, today's case being the latter. i hate automobiles..
christmas '04 will notoriously be my first negative holiday experience for several reasons. you know what that means, campers?
list. :
- the bush family is still in the white house
- i have a C to bring up in chemistry
- my poems simply blow lately
- i have to work on christmas eve
- i never know what i want anymore.
- my PSAT scores are embarassing
- people make bad decisions
- sore, tired, depressed & it's not PMS
i cannot wait for my date next week (if i talk to him this year) or break or presents or mouths or double A batteries because music = life.
ashley bought me chutes too narrow, and my g-mom gave me $2.
my dad used to tell us that old people put $2 in cards instead of 1 because it'd look lonely in there.. smart man.
i haven't seen my father since august, but i'm going to philly jan. 8-9 to see him, jolie, & rob (my estranged las vegan siblings.)
so back to that apartment, where i spent two unbeatable evenings with marie and JOSH last june & i'll cry for the sad series of events that occured since last i sat on that black sofa. i'll cry for dashboard unplugged, the barley bree, holding both hands, things we'd lost, things we'd found, red hair, and estoy buenisima. cry for 2nd & cheltenham, ice cream on the stoop, driving in circles, & why oh you ='(
/pity post
EDIT: phone calls rule. it's soo coincidental that irish josh would just call. some old man gave him free shoes, & home depot smelled like mary jane today. eep! <3
Mood: cold, still
Music: the shins :: young pilgrims
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2004.12.15 20.06
i've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie.
much has changed since last i wrote, my dear.
let's see, i:
-had my first spill at redner's (eep!)
-got my first haircut that mom didn't pay for
-made things inexclusive with andrew
-wrote mad poetry (mad as in a ton, not angry)
-sold 58,934,795 toys-for-tots trains
-made a revised "boys to kiss" list
-opened a savings account
-did the dew
-listened to the same seven the shins' songs on repeat
-learned the value of a dollar, & junk
-joined a convent
-actually enjoyed school. what!
-made a gingerbread house (eaten immediately afterward)
-got promoted to poetry club liason with hollylove
-wore heels to school for the first time in 1+ month
-determined my academic future over customer small-talk
-have not self-loved once
-overheard someone taking a vow of silence
-played beach volleyball in december
-cried for the past
-cried for the future
-made the :shootself: gesture way too often
-spent saturday nights alone (yeah, not working out kids)
i'm definitely resorting to lists more often for this thing.
i've been feeling really polar lately.. some sort of internal conflict going on.
heart vs. libido, stay tuned!
christmas is soon & i still need gifts for mom & brother jim. i think i'll buy him a fruit basket, since he still has no front teeth & all.
yeah, i just went from stressed to happy to crying while writing this; awesome.
Mood: i want eternity.
Music: elliot smith :: in the lost and found
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2004.12.05 20.53
a cardboard one that points to me.
( Read more... )
-my shoulder bite & sides (fingerprint-shaped) are bruised
-work suffocates my (soluble) social life
-this week is all about (</i>physical</i>/mental) healing
-bedtimebedtime++shins++thenbedtime
Mood: what more of a sign do i need?
Music: oh what a contrast you were to the brutes in the hall.
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2004.12.01 20.37
& i can't leave this bed, risk forgetting all that's been
i wanna wake up eighteen tomorrow.
poetry club was darling today. i brought the boyfriend along, who i'm sure with a little ol' fashioned poetic persuasion will fit right in with those beat-of-their-own drummers.
kate dollar drove jr. mccurdy, andrew & i home afterwards (!!!)
what a small world we live in.
speaking of writing, i seemed to have acquired a few new muses lately & i'm back into (dare i say) love-themed ramblings.
( passing/helicopter/remember/jack prompt. )
'just got my first paycheck saturday, & already i'm getting that less-exciting, more-routine vibe on the job. it can only go downhill from here, foo'.
::'cause nothin' lasts forever, even cold november rain::
this current music song just is.
xo, dreamer
Mood:  turtle-snappin'
Music: the shins :: kissing the lipless
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2004.11.24 16.50
suspended like spirits over speeding cars.
well this is andrew my day hasnt been looking up to day but there is always a brighter future and im now at meliss' place!!! and hopefuly it looking up somehow.........
& now it's merliss & we're chillaxin, talkin' to the birds & no one is freaking home. tatatatrouble, anyone? & yes, i just said "i drink weird juices," meaning apple cranberry, yo. yes hot hot heat, sing it. ;b
he's trying to tune my tiny castilla gee-tar but it's fruitless, because the thing is banjo size. only nineteen frets.
'cause we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get...
people aka my family are here. latah! say bye, andrew..bye bye peoples
<3 us
Mood: calm
Music: his awesome strummin'
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2004.11.21 19.29
so far caitlin, ashlizzle, and marizzle have visited me at work. this list should grow. xD
remember that song robbie sung julia at the end of the wedding singer, on the plane? sigh, that song has been in my head all day. noo, not the terrible repetitive (FUCKING EARLY!) christmas music they play at redner's after all, but "i wanna grow old with you."
that pizza stop cheesesteak tasted just like mr. pizza's in the city.. which makes me miss philly, and therefore josh, who just signed on this second.
the dance friday was insane. the freshman is the only guy ever who could keep up with meh on the dance flo'. with holly & her travolta, a little cameo by chubXcore- what a life.
<33birthday shoutouts to holly and tomorrow, andrewlove<33
i want to go to a drive in movie theater, [you know, with someone who drives xD] and watch the wizard of oz or something really novel & fucking make memories. ha, who says that.
i seriously jumped out of my chair when i heard the opening credits just now. i am also four (!!!)
'bought a red slipper keychain today. cuute coincidence
aren't we all just happy criminals.
Mood: sore
Music: this book belle has advocates make-up sharing.
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2004.11.18 21.43
you're a big boy now so let's not talk about growth.
psh. a whole week off for a holiday dedicated to eating. way to promote the pudge!
treat it as a test.
i have to camwhore this new brunette-ness.. my icon hasn't been me in a while, & only beat chicks do that.
my mom is paying me $30/day to clean the place next week, which tops underpaying overworking redner's, so i'm game. the remainder of break will be spent catching up with old flings, and reflinging.
i hope the next boy that you kiss has something terribly contagious on his lips!
i watched BOBsession on the ntoon channel for the majority of the evening, mostly because andy digs squarepants. oh, the adolescent humor- spare me.
you're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love
now i'm not one to result to violence, especially over a guy (most definitely not one i haven't been with in over a month [who didn't even kiss that well in the first place]) but one more look like that, and i'm gonna have to beat bitches UP. that's right slut, keep walkin'.
finallyy, my soulseek is behaving. sing it, jesse. <3
oh my FRIDAY.
i feel as giddy as a thirteen year-old girl, so ben don't dis my gramma cuz whea i come from it dont matta!!
i am off like a dirty shirt xx
Mood: diabolical
Music: snow patrol :: spitting games
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